May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
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this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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