how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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