I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
