No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
