shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
