wat bout pragnant strippers??
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
