and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
