He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Dear god my vagina.
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