Swine flu is the new snow day.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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