You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
