I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
