guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
