I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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