2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
