i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
