So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
