i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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