Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
