tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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