I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
