so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
