Well douche your snatch and let's go!
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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