He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
