I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
