Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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