i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
