I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
