Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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