This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize