Cold hands, warm shart.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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