I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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