If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
