I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
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i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
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Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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