I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
