Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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