i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
