I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
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