she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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