I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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