sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
