I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
