Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
