I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
