Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
