theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
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I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
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I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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