don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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