i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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