Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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