I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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