she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
