This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
