I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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