You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
