The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
