You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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