The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
