i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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