I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
If I die, sorry about rent.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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