my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
