I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Did we literally take a cab across the street
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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