Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
